The New Ages Of Arts & Entertainment

“I would rather pay your board than feed you”. This was one of my father’s ‘famous’ quotes about me and my eating habits. He had several others, but the one that really stuck was his constant reminder that “boy, you’re like a billy goat, you’ll eat anything”. Somewhere along the line, this saying evolved into my nickname of ‘goat’, that I carried with me through most of my childhood. Looking back on it, his characterization seemed quite appropriate especially in light of his trying to feed five children on a working man’s wages when one ate like five himself. I was reminded of this by my brother recently, as this lead into a rather lengthy discussion of the various names we had back during our childhood days. The odd thing is how many of them still seem appropriate today!

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It was the first time I ever saw a men’s restroom line that was longer than the line to the woman’s restroom. Which just doesn’t happen. At most events, that my wife and I attend, I end up waiting on her. This bathroom trip was different and I have a theory why.

Judging by the average age of the men in this awfully slow moving urinal line, I’d say a collective prostate-specific antigen test would produce a figure reminiscent of Bo Derek.

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10. If a Cat comes home at 4am, it slinks in, quietly, and lies down. When your Child comes home, there is a loud crash in the hallway followed by laughing, singing and belching. Afterwards, when it finally gets quiet, the home becomes awash with loud snoring accompanied by the Flapper Butt Band playing “Smell Me Honey All Night Long” and occasionally mixing in with the White Porcelain Buddy Band playing the hit tune “Barf Until You Feel It Down Below.”

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Soccer moms may have lost the political clout they would need to overthrow the next election. Dads are diluting their numbers. Moms are not the only ones on the sidelines at their kid’s soccer games anymore. Dads are finally taking a masculine stand and appeasing their wives wishes.

Dads may be throwing the national electoral out-of-whack because in their manly assertiveness they are actually attending their kids soccer games! Sure, moms still rule the bandage aisle, the school bake sales, and even the world of baby birthing, but not the soccer games.

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For many years I have written comedy monologues as a hobby. Most of the material has been in my head but in the last few years I have been writing my thoughts down on paper. I have grown up watching a lot of comedy on TV such as Bob Hope, the Marx Brothers, Sonny and Cher etc. and always wanted to produce a script of my own. More recently I have been studying material from Jerry Seinfeld and Jeff Foxworthy. I have funny lines that I have learned to put together into a story. It took a lot of trial and error to get it right. My best writing occurs in the morning. I guess I am a morning person. To learn how to put your funny lines into a script you have to study material from other artists and authors.

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Jason found himself quite annoyed at the two tractor-trailers that had boxed him in on the 205. Here he was in his little old white punch bug of a car sandwiched between the two monster rigs. He cringed every time he wondered whether they had been drinking or not or had a good nights sleep. One mistake and he would be road kill. He laughed out loud thinking it would be nice right now if this little bug really was Herbie.

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When I’m writing, I like to have fun, be a little whimsical, tweak the reader a little bit, be playful. It also helps to keep the reader and myself awake. A little comic relief goes way back in the history of literature, eh, Shakespeare?

One of the ways I do this is my character conservation device. If I grow fond of a character in one of my books, I’ll try to reuse or recycle that character in another work, to flesh out the character, and add new dimensions to the person. Readers may meet an old friend.

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An adage is a time-tested truism, but some adages don’t ad up anymore. “A penny saved is a penny earned” has deflated in meaning because of inflation.

“Penny-wise and pound foolish” is an English adage. Here it would be more effective as an ad for Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. Another truism about money is “A fool and his money are soon parted”. This one must explain Las Vegas.

Then there’s the one about saving for a rainy day. Because I live in Southern California, I wouldn’t save much - certainly not as much as people living in Seattle. Actually, it’s Prince Charles who should be saving for a reigny day.

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“The check’s in the mail”. “No, you don’t look fat in that”. “You don’t look that old”. These are familiar exaggerations, white lies or what my grandmother called Pinocchio noses.

A building contractor nose how to convince you the remodeling will be done on time. A used car dealer nose how to make an old car look good. A lawyer nose how to make his client look innocent.

When I was an innocent child and the doctor said, “This won’t hurt”, I was too busy looking at the lollypop to see if his nose got longer. Now I watch the doctor’s nose very carefully.

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In light of recent and previous cave-ins by the wussiecrat majority in congress, we should all, by now, be disabused of any notions of political hope. But I have a dream. Actually it happens sometimes in those Intermediate Bardos between sleep and what is called the wakeful state, or better regarded as the sanctioned hallucination, where a cosmic crack occurs in the collapse of a probability wave and you think you might be waking up to a sane world.

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